| Writer's Block: Half a Glass |
[February 9th, 2009 @ 3:22pm] |
i consider myself a realist.
i'm not an optimist. i think ive been disappointed too many times in my life to just look on the brightside. im aware of the fact that sometimes things just dont work out, circumstances beyond my control can ruin things, and shitty things just happen sometimes. i used to be much more optimistic. that was before i came to college and dc. i used to give people the benefit of the doubt & had a lot more faith in humanity. Im not a pessimist though. i dont think the world is out to get me or that nothing will ever work out for me. things do work out for me. i dont bring other people down, i think most people would say i'm an optimist because im usually cheery. but im definitely a realist. if i want good things to happen i have to work for them. you cant just wait for things to fall into your lap and you shouldnt just blame the universe for the shitty things that happen. there is usually a reason why things work out as they do. if you dont like it, learn from your mistakes and make things better. my thoughts create my reality, and if i keep my thoughts realistic i wont be brought down by my own expectations of things and i wont be disappointed.
pessimists usually piss me off. despite my self described realist status, i do think that thinking positively about something is a good idea. if you think that youre gonna fail a test or suck at a job interview, you probably will. if you have confidence and prepare yourself for what you are doing then you'll do better at it than a pessimist would. i dont think thats being optimistic, thats just being smart and getting yourself ready to face the world.
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[October 9th, 2007 @ 2:09pm] |
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fuck.
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| so what |
[September 18th, 2007 @ 10:49am] |
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iunno. mostly, i feel like last year, sorta.
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[April 5th, 2007 @ 12:34am] |
friends only from now on...
comment on this if you know me.
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[April 4th, 2007 @ 2:05am] |
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interesting night...karl rove sux...as do secret service and public saftey.
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[March 13th, 2007 @ 6:50pm] |
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erik altieri is the best boyfriend ever
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| Respect: a response to Liz Milano |
[March 13th, 2007 @ 1:07am] |
my very close friend liz from AU wrote an epic introspective essay in her lj about respect, attractiveness, and the future. what she wrote made me think about some stuff & i intend to respond to her ideas on respect.
some background American University has a roughly 60:40 ratio of girls to guys. also, there is a relatively large population of gay students (mostly male from my observations) on our campus. this means that there are a heck of alot more girls than guys at our school. ok. not a big deal. BUT, because AU has historically had this imbalance, it means that males get into our school with more ease than females. guys also get more money to come here. (affirmative action! where's equality when you need it, ay? but, its a private school, so i will end my musings there) Point proven: my ex & i both got into American...i did roughly 300 points better than he on my s.a.ts, my g.p.a was around a 3.7, his was MAYBE a 3.0, i was all over extracurriculars, and he didnt start getting involved till junior year...he got money to AU, and i got none. SO. what we have at AU is a huge group of girls that are intelligent, motivated, and interesting and a small group of guys that are less intelligent, motivated, and interesting. relevance? AU guys can get with girls that are out of their leauge very easily, and girls have to settle.
respect Liz has two approaches to respect. in the first, she says that boys should respect girls, and that it is wrong for males to treat women as objects, to use them. in the second, she says that guys at our school can't help but take advantage of what is around them. it isn't that they don't respect girls, its just that they are around, and its a part of their nature to screw around have fun with as many ladies as possible. I disagree with liz's first approach. to agree with that means that everyone is worthy of respect to start off with. i don't think that everyone deserves my respect. mostly cause i don't think man is innately good...but thats a different story. sometimes girls dont deserve respect. and i'm one of them. i let myself get shit on by guys...metaphorically. how? when i like a guy, i'll do anything for him. anything he wants, i do. i do this so they'll like me & want to be with me. i loose myself. and loose my self respect. so...maybe im talking to a guy, i'm into him hes not all that into me...he knows i like him & would do stuff for him...so he uses me. he has no attachment to me, therefore no respect for me, while i grow more and more attached to him. i do not deserve to be respected when i know im being used. i'm being pathetic. i let myself get disrespected. ***this example doesnt work when the girl honestly thinks that the guy digs her. then the guy is just an asshole.
ok. so what about these assholes? the ones that fool you into thinking they really like you too. i'm a victim of that as much as every other poor girl out there is. so lets say you're in an exclusive relationship & you get cheated on. (notice i didnt use the word 'committed,' the connotations are easy enough to understand) why doesnt this guy respect you? why did he lead you on? was it intentional? i wish i knew. but, like liz acknowledges, this isnt exclusive to guys. girls do it too. some people...the people that cheat, just don't deserve to have relationships. so, they're value is lower. and thats the one comfort good boyfriends and girlfriends have...that no matter what, they are good people deserving of respect...even if they don't get it.
i agree with liz's second point. we're only 18/19. there is no reason to get tied down. why not have fun. if situations were different & there were lots of quality guys all trying to get with me because of the uneven guy/girl ratio, then im sure i would be dating alot of guys too. i'm also sure i wouldnt treat them very well either. i would compare them...like guys compare different girls' blowjobs...i'd compare looks, money, car...etc...is talking about sex more offensive than talking about other things? it shouldn't be.
i'm going to end this by saying: people respect people that respect themselves. i haven't quite mastered that...not by a long shot. so, i don't get respected. but, as i grow, i learn. and change. and everything becomes positive when you look back at what has happened and how you've become better and stronger because of it. senior year, i lived to make another happy, and resulted in nothing...but, when i look back and see how dumb that was, it will help me to not make similar mistakes in the future.
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[March 12th, 2007 @ 11:15pm] |
aquariums are really sweet. if you haven't been to one, you should go check it out. i went to the georgia aquarium with my mom today. the georgia aquarium is the largest aquarium in the world. bet you didnt know that.
i get my wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow. i'm not nervous about the operation...but i am nervous about the anesthesia. i apparently had anesthesia when i was like 3, but i don't remember doing it. shrug. i can't eat after 7 am. which means i have to wake up hella early and eat...then waste time till surgery.
mushy foods, pain killers, & 80's movies...here i come
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[March 11th, 2007 @ 1:46am] |
i'm home for spring break. and as much as i love being at school, it feels really good to be home again. i usually dread going home, because it means a complete lack of socialization. but, i think i can really use a break from the insanity of life at AU.
being here means no drinking or smoking pot, no other drugs too. it means not having to get dressed...ever. comfy pants all the time. it means getting treated like a princess by my parents, and not worrying about not having money. it means staying in when i want to, and not going out because i want to please other people.
this spring break will really be a break from reality. i can put a hold on all the problems i have. before i left i rather dispondant, a little frustrated, and a little scared for my friends. but hopefully, (for the friends i'm worried about) they'll feel similarly good at home. i want them to be able to rest and feel recharged, and be able to come back to school and appreciate being 18 in washington, d.c.
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[March 9th, 2007 @ 1:51pm] |
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and caroline, my cousin & best friend in the entire world, is in the hospital. GEE LIFE IS AWESOME.
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[March 2nd, 2007 @ 4:09pm] |
What would I do
Lonely as you
Pleasure or pain
I cant choose
Wake up
Youre dreaming
I cant stand your screaming
Drowning out these prayers
Just some words without meaning
Spare all the preaching
My secrets worth keeping
No one understands like I do
Keep out of reach
Im your leading deletion
Hide behind these masks
Though they still see
Right through them
Every now and then
You're down and out my friend
Down and out again
Down and out again
Down and out again
But Im down with you
-foo fighters
also, livejournal is sacred.
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| only thing i know is awkward silence |
[February 28th, 2007 @ 3:00pm] |
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my roommate is leaving school. for a few weeks, maybe for the whole semester. she needs this time to get her life together and learn to drink and have fun responsibly. she had a bad weekend where some bad things happened when she was drunk. i really don't know how i feel. i know that i'm going to miss her. on the one hand, i feel upset because i think i may have neglected her alot this semsester. before we moved in together i told her that i would try to help her stay clean, but i really wasnt around like i thought i would be. i really wanted to be able to be there for her, but i guess i've been selfish and not as present as i thought i would be. i keep thinking that if i had been here this weekend i could have helped her & stopped what was happening.
so now, i'm all alone. no roommate. no boyfriend for a few more days. i feel empty.
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| holy shit |
[February 27th, 2007 @ 12:19pm] |
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everything everything everything is changing. life and stuff. too many things. all at once. i don't get high anymore. my roommate is leaving school. my boyfriend is a rockstar. i found out that they put laxatives in our cafeteria food. i didnt think i would think what i think now last semester.
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| stalemate |
[February 21st, 2007 @ 3:24pm] |
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i forgot to do something for class. and it makes me really fucking frustrated. ughhh. i hate life. i'm so bored with everything right now. i do the same thing everyday. mostly i'm mad cause i don't have money.
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[February 19th, 2007 @ 10:37am] |
sitting in macro is pretty depressing. i don't really understand this subject yet. mostly cause i switched into this class late. and i don't pay attention. but everyone in this class is just as apathetic as i am. so that doesn't say much about my teacher. i think it is the teacher's responsibility to keep their students interested in class. well. i mean i should be motivated enough myself...but no one answers her questions and she just stares blankly back. sigh. fuck apathy ;)
i had a really really really bad nightmare last night. it started out with my parents throwing me a big fancy party. i don't know what it was for, but it was really ritzy and nice. erik wouldn't come. which upset me. then i was talking to this kid over a webcam and he was really annoying, i told him he could bring people to the party & he was asking about the dresscode and he kept asking if he could wear ridiculous outfits and i kept getting more and more pissed off at him. so, i was getting frustrated, and my mom was trying to calm me down. but my dad yelled at her. and like, my dad NEVER yells, so it was quite distressing. she was crying and i was crying, and caroline was there trying to make things better. so i was sitting in a room with my mom and caroline and my grandma, and the phone rang. it was my aunt betsy. i thought that if i talked to her, i would feel better. she is the type of person to understand frustration like mine. but when i talked to her on the phone, she didnt really care. she just kept talking about stuff that i didn't wanna hear about. it was time to leave for the party and then i woke up. this may not sound like a nightmare. but to me it was. i was so upset through out it, it was one of those dreams that you wake up with tears in your eyes and cry till you realize it was just a dream. my parents never ever argue, i guess thats what shook me up so much.
i tripped with liz on saturday. we went to matt's around 1:00, and didn't leave till like 10:00. such is the way of mushrooms and matt's appartment. it was a really random thing...i like when drugs just...happen...unplanned. liz and i were gonna go adventuring around d.c, but then we were on mushrooms. so. that didnt really happen. i had a really good time. i watched aqua teen hunger force, drank some beer, and learned some really really cool things about the mind of the male. mike and adler were discussing this girl most of the day and it was so...interesting to hear their different approaches on the subject. i love those boys. alot. good trip.
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| happy valentine's day |
[February 14th, 2007 @ 1:28pm] |
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i've decided to de-pledge. i'm lazy. i would rather be asleep on a saturday then get up to make a safe sex presentation for the sisters. its not worth it. i feel bad. because i did really want to do this. but its too much of an obligation. i haven't seenmy friends in two weeks. this morning i went to tdr and annabel and laura happened to be there, and just sitting with them for 30 minutes made me happier than this entire pledge process has. so. thats it.
part of me feels like i'm giving up...but then i'm like nawhh. i don't want to deal with it anymore. whatevs.
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| the past few weeks and stuff |
[February 12th, 2007 @ 11:47am] |
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i decided to pledge a sorority. Sigma Delta Tau. i'm not entirely sure why. i like alot of the girls in it, its very good for networking in the future, i get to go to alot of sweet parties, i get to meet alot of new people, and i get to do community service and feel good about myself. Right now i'm a pledge and they make us do different events to get closer with the sisters and then we get inducted as members. i don't know how far i wanna take this now. after spending alot of time with the pledge sisters i'm kind of not as into it as i was...half of them are really chill, and the other half are uptight preppy annoying bitches that take things way too seriously. i don't think i wanna go through with the entire process now. its so much...work...liz and i decided to pledge together, and she's decided to de-pledge. i don't want to let her decision affect mine...but i feel like she has some good reasons. and she and i are very similar people so if shes not doing it, then maybe i shouldnt?
i'm pretty sure i have pink eye. WHICH SUCKS ASS. liz had it last week, and now my eye is red...i have an appointment at 2:15 at which they will report the inevitable. tomorrow night is the crush dance...its a sorority thing...they rent out a club and every girl brings 2 guys as her date. so theres alot of boys. but now that i have pink eye i don't really feel like getting all dressed up and stuff. i was really really really looking foreward to it too. maybe i'll still go...i'll have to see if i can get some eyedrops or something to take care of the redness...blehhhhh why is life so hard. as of right now i only have 1 date for it...which is my boyfriend. but hes done such a good job of alienating all of my other male friends that i can't even think of anyone else to bring...this sucks sucks sucks. blehhhhh im really angry. i hate my health.
i've been spending all of my time with my boyfriend. which is awesome. but i feel bad that i don't really see my friends as much as i used to. especially with sorority pledging and stuff. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i'm really really really frustrated.
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[February 6th, 2007 @ 12:22am] |
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music |
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the raveonettes |
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i used to go to elementary school with this girl. we were best friends in fourth grade. we were both safteys together. we were both blonde. in middle school we were still friends. i didn't see her all that much in highschool. i moved away. i haven't thought about her once since i've been in d.c. but i saw some pictures of her on facebook recently, and came across her aim profile randomly one day.
people come in and out constantly.
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